bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
you made out with another girl for some wings
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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