drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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