He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
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