My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
