um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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