I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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