Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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