I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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