I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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