I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
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