So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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