I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize