theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
