and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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