You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
