Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
