the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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