I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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