just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
