I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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