How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I just blew my weed a kiss
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
