you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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