Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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