Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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