I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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