Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Never underestimate the power of titties
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
