He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
