i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Just high enough for therapy.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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