i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Randomize