i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
