My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
All I want is dick and wine.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
