I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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