i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
