My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
