I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
