id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Randomize
