I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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