We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
