Those balls look pretty dangerous.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
