Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
