I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
