But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize