Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Then you guys just all showered together...?
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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