So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
