First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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