3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
