I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Sacagawea was the original milf.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
