I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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