Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
