He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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