We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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