chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Randomize
