Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
