and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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