Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
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