I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
