can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
