I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
