My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
