i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
