I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
