I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Pants are for mortals
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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