I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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