Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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